Advice: What Should I Do?

After careful observation I have realized something incredible, a great phenomenon. Advice that we receive is no longer given based on experience and wisdom instead we are giving default answers because we don’t know what else to say. I think that we need to realize that we are not always qualified to give advice, but rather to direct them to another resource that is more reliable. If we try to play counselor without very much prior knowledge we can cause many further complications which may snowball.

I first came to this realization while I witnessed two people in the class role-play a distressed individual and a counselor. The initial intent was obviously not to practice counseling but rather to use our English vocabulary in real time and practice at it. The distressed individual’s problem was that someone from one of his former relationship had become a burden and a time vampire and that it was affecting the quality of his current relationship. His great dilemma was whether it was time to say ‘enough is enough’ or if he should continue to be her shoulder to cry on and just find time for her.

The problem is very common and is just a background to the real meat and potatoes which is the advice given by the counselor. The person playing the role of the counselor found difficulty in answering because she probably hadn’t experienced something like that before. She gave a very common answer which is to continue being there for them as a friend and making them a top priority.

I do not know where exactly where we get these ideas from but we have an auto-response mechanism inside us when it comes to advice – default solutions to difficult questions. If I like a girl how do I get her to like me? Auto-response: be yourself. I feel really hurt from a break up. Don’t worry about it, there are plenty of fish in the sea, we’ll go to the bar. First of all I think that we are looking for advice in the wrong place, our peers are not always a great resource. Not only that, but when they do give advice its very hit or miss because it is just a stock response and the results are dependent on how you perceived the advice.

It is not uncommon for us to think that we give great advice. It can be addicting and as much as it strokes our ego we much find an alternative, something that is more effective. I think that the most effective way to solve a problem is to act as a prompter and inquire more deeply into the problem, as a resource that guides them to the a more qualified source, and also as a sounding mirror to build rapport and really give develop a greater understanding for both the counselor and the distressed individual and work towards resolution.

I think that when giving advice we should really speak from our own experiences and wisdom and if you don’t know the answer then just tell them that honestly. I know it sounds very simple to do, but it is a difficult task to put into practice. We can really empathize and get to understand the individual through prompting, mirroring and acting as a resource. Although this is a good solution we must remember that we need to experience things for ourselves and learn from our mistakes. If we change our approach, we may not be doomed to repeat history after all.